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Simon Cowell and his girlfriend of 5 years, Terri Seymour, have broken up. But don’t go getting all weepy just yet: he left her the handsome parting gift of a $4.5 million house. Hot damn!

To be clear, the reports say that Cowell’s spokeswhore swears that Seymour bought the house herself, but may have had assistance from Simon. And by assistance, I’m sure she means that he bought the thing, while she did the hard work of having a spare set of keys made at Home Depot.

Does anyone want to tell me where I should go to get in line to be his next girlfriend?

Sarah Larson needs to pack up her shit and get the hell out of Hollywood already. Instead, she’s clinging to her 15 minutes of fame like Tom Cruise does to Scientology. She has apparently moved on from George Clooney, who is hot and delicious, to Jason Statham, who is rather unfortunate looking and probably smells like a hot catbox.

The two were reportedly at some party together, then Skankalicious Sarah Larson stripped down to her bikini and started swimming with rubber ducks at Palm Place. I can’t get over this hobag! She has no shame, she’s obviously not chaste and I give her another 6 months before she gets into porn.