celebrity231

Simon Cowell and his girlfriend of 5 years, Terri Seymour, have broken up. But don’t go getting all weepy just yet: he left her the handsome parting gift of a $4.5 million house. Hot damn!

To be clear, the reports say that Cowell’s spokeswhore swears that Seymour bought the house herself, but may have had assistance from Simon. And by assistance, I’m sure she means that he bought the thing, while she did the hard work of having a spare set of keys made at Home Depot.

Does anyone want to tell me where I should go to get in line to be his next girlfriend?

Sarah Larson needs to pack up her shit and get the hell out of Hollywood already. Instead, she’s clinging to her 15 minutes of fame like Tom Cruise does to Scientology. She has apparently moved on from George Clooney, who is hot and delicious, to Jason Statham, who is rather unfortunate looking and probably smells like a hot catbox.

The two were reportedly at some party together, then Skankalicious Sarah Larson stripped down to her bikini and started swimming with rubber ducks at Palm Place. I can’t get over this hobag! She has no shame, she’s obviously not chaste and I give her another 6 months before she gets into porn.

So, Cameron Diaz was out and about last night showing off a HUGE diamond engagement ring being worn on her engagement finger to anyone who would look. She posed with the ring by her face and everything, which is a bit of a switch for the normally camera shy Cameron. Rumor has it, Jennifer Aniston’s ex Paul Sculfor popped the question.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…show me the ring! Well, I don’t have the rights to any of the photos, but I’ll link you to them. Visit MavrixOnline to see some of them, or you can see what the Daily Mail has to say about the situation.

Either way, you know Jennifer Aniston is  freaking the hell out.

Brooke Hogan is gonna be all up in the pages of Maxim’s next issue, and the PR whores at the mag have released some of her shots. I’m finding it hard to believe that out of all of the technology available today *cough Photoshop cough* , they couldn’t airbrush her massive Jay Leno chin. It’s like, I can hardly see her boobs, because her chin cleavage is so distracting!

Brooke here has been all over the weeklies lately, because she realized that talking shit about her hobag of a mother will help keep her in the spotlight. I can’t say that I blame her…if my mother decided to tramp it up with one of the douchebags I went to high school with, I’d sell the bitch out too!

In case you don’t already know this, Jack Black is pretty effin’ gross. This is what Jack told reporters yesterday:

“I also put Coco Pops in my butt. Why? For comedy and experiment. I was a scientist and I discovered you could put a lot of them up your butt.”

He said that he did that as a kid, which still isn’t really much of an excuse. I mean, when I was a kid I ate boogers and stuff, but I never shoved anything up my butt in the name of science. Sure, I might have burned an ant or two under a magnifying glass for the sake of experimentation, but that is about as far as I ever went. (I swear!)

This is a sad day for America. George Carlin, who has had heart trouble in the past, went to St. John’s Heath Center in Santa Monica yesterday complaining of chest pains. He died last night. Carlin was 71-years-old.

“He was a genius and I will miss him dearly,” Jack Burn, who worked with Carlin in the 1960s doing standup.

Not only was George a genius, but he was friggin’ awesome. He was one of the first famous people I know of to come out as an atheist and talk about it unapologetically. To be sure, he was and continues to be an inspiration and will be missed dearly.

Oh man, this cracks me up. Much to Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews’ chagrin and dismay, NBC has handed over Tim Russert’s  Meet The Press job to Tom Brokaw. Yeah, that’s right. Tom “my voice sounds like a mix of gravel and sandpaper and oh, did I mention I’m really effin’ old?” Brokaw. Chris is probably too manly to show any emotions over the loss, but I betcha anything Keith Olbermann is crying into his wine cooler like a girl who just got stood up for prom right now.

Tom is said to have the job until after the elections are over in November, then new negotiations will open up. It has been reported that Chris Matthews was scheming for the gig at Russert’s funeral, while Olbermann has said that he’ll quit working for MSNBC altogether if he didn’t get the job.

HA!

I can’t believe this shit. TV Guide is reporting that Janet Jackson is developing a new reality TV show for MTV. As if there isn’t enough crappy reality TV shows on the network already! Ugh!

The show starts filming in a couple of weeks, and will end right before Janet goes on her world tour. (People still buy tickets for her concerts?) The premise is simple: she’s going to be traveling all over the country, searching for talent in churches, YMCAs and stuff. I don’t think I’ll be watching that nonsense, but I have been known to have questionable taste in TV.

In other news, is Janet really tall or is Jermaine Dupri just a midget?

Okay, so here’s the deal: somehow, somebody (cough*Denise*cough) released nasty messages that Charlie Sheen had left on Denis Richards’  voicemail. The audio files were up for a few hours earlier today, but were then yanked down. Fortunately for you, I happen to have the real transcripts of Charlie Sheen’s voicemails, which follow below:

“Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 12:46pm

I guess I should just get used to the fact that you know, you fire off your nonsense and you’re lawyer bullshit and your fucking emails and then you don’t answer the phone, and you know, you don’t have the fucking courage or the wherewithal to like confront me or deal with me or just be fucking honest. And the forthright and I guess I just gotta stop being disappointed by that because that’s just who you are and what you do. And I guess once I accept that, I won’t be frustrated by your chicken shit fucking behavior, so whatever. I’m just really fucking mad and you owe me a phone call. Okay. Cause again, if I did the same shit to you, you’d be fucking furious. Alright, so whatever.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 1:00pm

Yea, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.“

Wow. I can’t believe homeboy actually dropped the n-word. A couple of hours ago, Charlie released a statement apologizing for his racist words, using the whole “I have a black friend who was in my first two weddings” excuse to prove he’s down with the brown.

I have to say, early on I thought Denise was a homewrecking hobag, but after watching her show and hearing these tapes, I’m no longer on Team Charlie. In fact, I’m totally ordering my “Team Denise” tee shirts off of CafePress right now.

Keanu Reeves is pretty old, pretty pasty and pretty effin’ hot. When I was a kid (by kid I mean not even in high school yet), my parents let me watch Speed, I was hooked on the dude. I’ve since watched literally every single movie he’s ever been in. Yes, I’m fully aware that makes me a stalker. No, I don’t really care. I’d chair the Keanu Reeves fan club if I could.

If Day-Glo made a skin color, they’d probably fashion it after Keanu’s pale ass body. In the pic above, he’s hanging out in the water at the French Riviera with some topless whore. I’d look so much better by his side, if only he’d give me a chance!